Jokes n Funny Stuff

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

Masida — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 12:42:33 GMT

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays. 2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas . 3. I take my wife everywhere ..but she keeps finding her way back. 4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time" she said. So I suggested the kitchen. 5. We always hold hands. If I let ...

From Comic Relief 2009 - This is a must view for England football fans.

pompeyrayuk — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 19:01:04 GMT

From Comic Relief 2009 - This is a must view for England football fans.

When can I retire?

pompeyrayuk — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 23:30:39 GMT

OMG HOW BAD IS THIS? FUNNY AS TOO

pompeyrayuk — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 22:49:49 GMT

World Cup 2010 promises no violent fans!!!!

pompeyrayuk — Sun, 24 May 2009 21:26:26 GMT

The penis poem

pompeyrayuk — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 11:46:34 GMT

I'll tell you a short poem; I'll try to make it quick. The subject is quite simple: The joy of having a dick. Penises are super things; You ladies should be jealous. An organ surrounded by sensitive skin That's smooth and rarely hairless. It starts to grow dramatically, When you're about thirteen. Your testicles on either side; Your willy in between. It dangles neatly down below; Soft, obedient and loyal. At the slightest hint of lust, It's ready to uncoil. It ...

Brown or Pink

pompeyrayuk — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 23:28:38 GMT

Funny Australian Man

pompeyrayuk — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 00:24:15 GMT

Seasons Greetings From Achmed

pompeyrayuk — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 23:11:59 GMT

How to play Omaha poker

Doz001 — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 12:17:35 GMT

Omaha Lesson: What you do is get four cards. Doesn't matter much what they are because nobody really looks at them anyway. Next, they put three cards on the board. It doesn't matter what they are because nobody really pays any attention to the flop either. Then one more card for the turn and another one for the river. Same betting scenario as before. Doesn't really matter much what they are, except, for a few of the players that may have "cheated" and looked at their hole cards. These ...

Presidents of the U.S. of America.

Masida — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 11:53:06 GMT

Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

pompeyrayuk — Sat, 11 Oct 2008 01:49:45 GMT

Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

Now, think about it. Ready?

Answer:

10 little piggies,

2 calves,

1 ass,

and an unknown number of hares,

And of course 1 ...

Come on, you know you're laughing!

machine that catches thieves

pompeyrayuk — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 22:34:11 GMT

In the United States of America they invented a machine that catches thieves; they took it out to different countries for a test.

� USA, in 30 minutes it caught 500 thieves,

� India, in 20 minutes it caught 3000 thieves,

� Nigeria, in 10 minutes it caught 6000 thieves,

� South Africa, in 5 minutes the machine was stolen.

More Funny As

pompeyrayuk — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 02:10:07 GMT

Funny As

pompeyrayuk — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 02:05:21 GMT

What do you choose?

Masida — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 11:19:45 GMT

Blonde Poker

Doz001 — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 12:26:04 GMT

A busty blonde sat down at a table in a Las Vegas casino. "I hope you don't mind," she said, "but I play better when I'm naked." She then proceeded to undress. On the very first hand, after some heavy betting, she was head's-up in a monster pot. After the dealer turned over the river card, she flipped her hand over, jumped out of her seat and started screaming, "I won! I won! I won!" The dealer, flustered, pushed her the pot. "What'd she have?" the loser ...

Tarot Poker

Doz001 — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 12:14:41 GMT

I was playing poker with tarot cards the other night. I got a full house and four people died

Bejing 2008

Masida — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 14:37:47 GMT

How they created the official logo.

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

Doz001 — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 11:23:55 GMT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well : Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) ...

Its not poker

Doz001 — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 11:28:41 GMT

RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF ..... 1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls. 2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole. 3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out. 4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins. 5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid ...

Irish Vasectomy

Doz001 — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 09:28:21 GMT

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his Doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more Children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count ...

Eyesight

Doz001 — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 07:20:27 GMT

95 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 30 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. 'That's it,' he tells his wife. 'I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad...once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went.' His wife sympathizes, and as they sit down, she says, 'Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try.' 'That's no good,' sighs Arthur. 'Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help.' ''He may be ...

want to get screwed?

pompeyrayuk — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 04:58:35 GMT

A traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted. "I want to get screwed," said the man. "OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice. The man slid his $20 bucks in, the panel was closed. Minutes passed and nothing happened. He began to pound on ...

COWBOY WHISPERER

pompeyrayuk — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 13:26:06 GMT

Cowboy: "That your dog?" Indian: "Yep." Cowboy: "Mind if I speak to him?" Indian: "Dog no talk." Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?" Dog: "Doin' all right." Indian: (Look of shock!) Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian...) Dog: "Yep." Cowboy: "How's he treating you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me ...

Sick leave

pompeyrayuk — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 17:30:07 GMT

Sick leave I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the ...

Bishop And The Ass

pompeyrayuk — Thu, 01 May 2008 17:27:03 GMT

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS. The preacher ...

Place your funny pics here!

Masida — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 11:27:53 GMT

I'll start

Multitasking

pompeyrayuk — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 18:00:23 GMT

OMG what do you do?

pompeyrayuk — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 18:01:33 GMT

Av A Look

pompeyrayuk — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 01:32:16 GMT

A Must Read

pompeyrayuk — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 01:30:40 GMT

Best Chicken Joke Ever

pompeyrayuk — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 18:45:08 GMT

God will save me

pompeyrayuk — Thu, 08 May 2008 22:27:06 GMT

A devout christian got stranded on a desert island and said to himself "I shall be fine God will save me" The next day a ship arrived but the christian refused help saying "I shall be fine God will save me" The following day another ship arrived but the christian refused help saying "I shall be fine God will save me" The following day the christian died. When greeted by God in heaven the christian asked "God why did you not save me?" To which ...

Tipping the dealer

Pike60 — Fri, 02 May 2008 15:59:49 GMT

A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer. The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so, why should I tip him?" The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?" "Yes." "Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you ...

Observation is the key

pompeyrayuk — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 13:20:04 GMT

A lecturer is tutoring a medical class on �observation�. He takes out a jar of yellow liquid. �This,� he says, �is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of colour, smell, sight, and taste.� He dips his finger in and sticks his finger in his mouth. His class watches in disgust. But being good students, one by one they dip a finger into the jar and put it in their mouth. After the last student has done it, the lecturer shakes his head. �If any of you had been observant,� ...

$100 is a $100

pompeyrayuk — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 13:19:17 GMT

Every year Maurice and his wife Esther visit the country fair Maurice says, �Esther, I�d like to fly in that helicopter.� Esther always replies, �I know, Maurice, but the ride costs $100, and $100 is $100.� One year Maurice pleads, �Esther, I�m 85. This might be my last chance.� �Maurice, the helicopter is $100, and $100 is $100.� The pilot overhears and makes them an offer. �I�ll take both of you up, and I won�t charge you a thing if you say nothing. One word, and it�s $100.� They ...

Way To Pee

pompeyrayuk — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 20:32:18 GMT

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: 'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?' Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter, how would you say it? 'Peter said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right ...

'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

pompeyrayuk — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 21:54:20 GMT

Defence Attorney: Will you please state your age? Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old. Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defence Attorney: Did you know him? Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly. Defence Attorney: What ...

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

pompeyrayuk — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 06:00:10 GMT

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: I do physical labor. I work at great depths. I plunge headfirst into everything I do. I do not get weekends or public holidays off. I work in a damp environment. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures. My work exposes me to contagious diseases. Sincerely, P. Niss The Response Dear Mr. Niss: After ...

Can you guess what it is yet?

pompeyrayuk — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 14:06:34 GMT

Can you guess what it is yet?

Chicken Sandwich

nightwishh — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 20:16:41 GMT

Danny and Liz attended the same school and became great friends Every day, they sat together to eat their lunch and soon discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches EVERY DAY! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken? Don't you like it anymore?" She said, "I love it, but I have to stop eating it." "Why?" he asked. She ...

Three Women

nightwishh — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 19:58:26 GMT

THERE WERE THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER AND ONE SENIOR, SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNGER WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT'S MY PAGER," SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM. A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. the SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXCLAIMED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. ...

TREE HUGGER

nightwishh — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 16:25:25 GMT

TREE HUGGER While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly pressed against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?" "I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied. "You've gotta be kiddin' me." "No, would you like to give it a try?" Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, ...

its along way to go

hardhat — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 01:59:12 GMT

BEING BRITISH.

hardhat — Sat, 12 Jan 2008 23:42:56 GMT

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of all things foreign. Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while ...

Hurricanes

pompeyrayuk — Wed, 26 Dec 2007 14:10:57 GMT

Why are all hurricanes named after women?

Because when they come they are wet n wild and when they leave they take the car and house with them

taxi driver

hardhat — Thu, 27 Dec 2007 22:26:31 GMT

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me." The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on ...

SENIOR CITIZENS

hardhat — Sun, 06 Jan 2008 00:37:37 GMT

SENIOR CITIZENS are the leading carriers of AIDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hearing AIDS,Band AIDS,Roll AIDS,Walking AIDS,Medical AIDS,Government AIDS,and most of all monetary AIDSto their children. The Golden Years have come at last! I CANNOT SEE,I CANNOT PEE, I CANNOT CHEW,I CANNOT SCREW,MY MEMORY SHRINKS, MY HEARING STINKS,NO SENSE OF SMELL,I LOOK LIKE HELL,MY BODY'S DROOPING,GOT TROUBLE POOPING. SO,THE GOLDEN YEARS HAVE COME AT LAST?? WELL, THE GOLDEN YEARS CAN KISS MY ASS!!!!!!!!!! ...

1940's, 50's, 60's and 70's kids

hardhat — Sun, 06 Jan 2008 00:41:49 GMT

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1940's, 50's, 60's and 70's !! First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a tin, and didn't get tested for diabetes. Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to ...